


Drunk Texts and Other Questionable Life Choices

by doctornerdington



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Drunk Texting, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Happy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sherlock Texting, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 01:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10753731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornerdington/pseuds/doctornerdington
Summary: Tom texts John. Tom texts Sherlock. Sherlock texts Mycroft. Sherlock texts Greg. Greg texts Molly. Molly texts Sherlock. Sherlock texts John. And the wheel goes 'round.





	1. Tom and John

**Author's Note:**

> A cracky, fluffy little follow up to Night of Two Thieves. This can probably stand on its own, but it would help to read this first:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8298166  
> Set in S3 hiatus, more or less: John and Mary have divorced, there is no baby, and John lives alone in a terrible flat across town.  
> 100% text fic.  
> This is my happy place.  
> 

**Tom** : Hiya, John. It’s Tom.

 

**Tom** : Tom from last week.

 

**Tom** : Ok

 

_[Later...]_

 

**John** : Tom! Alright, mate? Sorry – I’m at work.

 

**Tom** : No worries, no worries.

 

_[Later...]_

 

**Tom** : I was wondering what you’re up to tonight?

 

**John** : Tom…

 

**Tom** : It’s just, I’m sat nice and comfy on the same stool at the same bar in the same pub, and wondering if you’d care for a pint.

 

**John** : I don’t think so. My shift doesn’t end until 9 and I’m usually pretty tired after.

 

**Tom** : Right. Well. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

 

_[Later still...]_

 

**Tom** : I keep thinking about

 

**Tom** : I’m game for a repeat, if you are.

 

**John** : I really don’t think that’s a good idea. 

 

**Tom** : …

 

**Tom** : …

**Tom** : Look, I have no right, but can I ask why?

**John** : I’m in no sort of shape to be starting anything, honestly. Did you not notice? I’m a fucking mess, Tom.

 

**John** : You can do a hell of a lot better.

 

**Tom** : You shouldn’t say things like that.

 

**Tom** : John? I’m serious. Don’t say things like that about yourself.

 

_[Later...]_

 

**Tom** : Alright, message received. Take care, John.

 

**Tom** : xx


	2. Tom and Sherlock

**Tom** : You know what   Fuck you.

 

 **Tom** : Shhherlock

 

 **Tom** : I SAID FUJK YOU

**Sherlock** : Who is this? How did you get this number?

 

 **Tom** : OOOHHH, big detective, U work it out

 

 **Sherlock** : Oh, go away. I have more important things to do.

 

 **Tom** : thats ur prob yeah? You always have something more important 2 do

 

 **Sherlock** : Who IS this?

 

 **Tom** : Work it out u bastard

 

 **Tom** : I dont no why he loves U sucyh a waste

 

 **Sherlock** : Why who loves me? Who is this?

 

 **Tom** : John

 

 **Tom** : Why Johm loves you.

 

 **Sherlock** : John doesn’t love me.

 

 **Tom** : HAHAHAHAHAHA U call urself a detective

 

 **Tom** : Everyone loves you. Everyone. And u cant see it

 

 **Tom** : Molly lovres U/

 

 **Tom** : Or maybe she used 2 I don’t know

 

 **Tom** : John loves U

 

 **Tom** : so much

 

 **Tom** : Fuck

 

 **Tom** : Sherl k?

 

 **Sherlock** : Why do you say that?

 

 **Sherlock** : Who is this?

 

 **Tom** : I say that becyuae the whole time he was fuciking me he was thinking of u

 

 **Tom** : Wanting uyo

 

 **Tom** : He’s so good

 

 **Tom** : U don’t know what your missing

 

 **Sherlock** : …

 

 **Tom** : Im so drunk.

 

 **Sherlock** : Yes, apparently.

 

 **Tom** : Look forget this ok

 

 **Tom** : sorry

 

 **Sherlock** : I’ll forget it if you tell me your name.

 

 **Tom** : I cant. He ll hate me

 

 **Sherlock** : Oh, for Christ’s sake. Don’t get maudlin on me now. I can keep my mouth shut. Now who are you?

 

 **Tom** : …

 

 **Tom** : …

 

 **Sherlock** : WHO????

                                    

 **Sherlock** : Fine. I’ll have the number traced.

 

 **Tom** : Shit. No.

 

 **Tom** : fuck

 

 **Tom** : Ok

 

 **Tom** : Its Tom.

 

 **Sherlock** : Tom who?

 

 **Tom** : Moll’s Tom.

 

 **Tom** : Molly’s ex Tom.

 

 **Tom** : Please don’t let on. I shond never have texted u. I just –

 

 **Sherlock** : Boring, don’t care.

 

 **Sherlock** : John fucked you? When? John doesn’t fuck men.

 

 **Tom** : HA no. he does. He really really does.

 

 **Tom** : Hes really good at it too

 

 **Tom** : I can stiol feel it

 

 **Tom** : And

 

 **Tom** : You’re an IDOIT FOR TUIRNING HIM DOWN . it’s a fuicking waste is what it is

 

 **Tom:** A tragedyh

 

 **Sherlock** : I didn’t.

 

 **Tom** : What?

 

 **Sherlock** : I didn’t turn him down.

 

 **Tom** : WTf mate?

 

 **Sherlock** : I’m not your “mate.” What in the world gave you the impression that I would turn John Watson down?

 

 **Tom** : Fuck.

 

 **Tom** : FUCK. Oh, fuck.

 

 **Sherlock** : Tom?

 

 **Sherlock** : TOM?

 

 **Sherlock** : Goddamn you, answer me!


	3. Mycroft and Sherlock

**Sherlock** : Confirm identity of last number to text my phone.

 

**Sherlock** : Immediately.

 

**Mycroft** : A favour? From me? Are you certain you wish to pursue this?

 

**Sherlock** : For God’s sake, just do it.

 

**Mycroft** : And in return?

 

**Mycroft** : Sherlock?

 

**Mycroft** : I would so love to be of assistance, but I’m afraid I’m quite busy today and simply haven’t the time.

 

**Mycroft** : Unless, of course, you could assist me with one or two small matters? Nothing very interesting, I’m afraid, but the legwork involved – well.

 

**Sherlock** : Oh, go eat a cake.

 

**Mycroft** : Infant.

 

**Sherlock** : Fatty.

 

**Mycroft** : Redundancy? Beneath you.

 

**Sherlock** : Cock.

 

**Mycroft** : Vulgarian!  I’m afraid your Dr. Watson is rubbing off on you.

 

**Sherlock** : He’s very much not.

 

**Mycroft** : As you say.

 

**Sherlock** : That’s rather pertinent to the matter at hand, in fact.

 

**Mycroft** : Ah.

 

**Sherlock** : Ah.

 

**Mycroft** : Well then…?

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : Fine. 

 

**Mycroft** : Marvelous. Come by at 16:00 and I’ll see what we can do for you.

 

_[Much later]_

 

**Mycroft** : Thank you for your prompt assistance, brother mine.

 

**Mycroft** : Thomas Middleton.

 

**Sherlock** : ...

 

**Sherlock** : I also require CCTV footage of

 

**Mycroft** : Sending now.

 

 


	4. Sherlock and Greg

**Sherlock** : Have you ever heard that John fucks men?

 

**Greg** : BLOODY HELL, Sherlock!

 

**Sherlock** : Well, have you?

 

**Greg** : WARN a man before starting in, won’t you?

 

**Sherlock** : Gavin. That’s not an answer.

 

**Greg** : …

 

**Sherlock** : GAVIN!

 

**Greg** : Shut it. I’m thinking.

 

**Sherlock** : What can there possibly be to think about? A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ should be easy enough, even for a demonstrable cretin such as yourself.

 

**Greg** : Oi! If you want an answer at all, you’ll play nice.

 

_[Later]_

 

**Sherlock** : Gavin?

 

**Sherlock** : Greg.

 

**Sherlock** : I apologize.

 

**Greg** : Alright. Try again.

 

**Sherlock** : Fine.

 

**Sherlock** : Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade, have you, in your vast experience and with your highly honed observational skills, ever known Dr. John Watson to fuck men?

 

**Greg** : Can’t you deduce it yourself?

 

**Sherlock** : ...

 

**Sherlock** : It appears I have developed a regrettable blind spot when it comes to John.

 

**Sherlock** : Your deductive prowess, while substantially inferior to my own, is better developed than most, and you have known John in a friendly capacity for several years. You are the logical person to ask.

 

**Greg** : You --. Hang on, I just need to savour this moment for a sec. Wow.

 

**Sherlock** : Oh, grow up.

 

**Greg** : …

 

**Sherlock** : Grow up and answer the question.

 

**Greg** : Honestly, Sherlock, I have no idea. I’ve not asked him, either way.

 

**Sherlock** : No, I would imagine not. But you must have impressions drawn from observations?

 

**Greg** : Yeah, of course I do. But I don’t think I’m going to tell you. Ask him yourself.

 

**Sherlock** : What?! Why?

 

**Greg** : Just ask him. Talk to him. You never talk to him.

 

**Sherlock** : Don’t be ridiculous. I talk to him constantly. I talk to him when he's not even in the same room as me.

 

**Greg** : Talk to him properly, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : That does not seem prudent.

 

**Greg** : Oh, fuck me.


	5. Greg and John

**Greg** : Mate. Long time. Up for a pint?

 

 **John** : Sounds good. Things are getting strange around here.

 

 **Greg** : Stranger than usual? Is that possible?

 

 **John** : Fair point. Crown at 8?

 

 **Greg** : See you then.

 


	6. Sherlock and Molly

**Sherlock** : Tom. Tom Tom Tom.

 

**Sherlock** : T

 

**Sherlock** : O

 

**Sherlock** : M

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Molly** : What is this, Sherlock?

 

**Sherlock** : Tommmmmmmmmmm.

 

**Molly** : Tom isn’t here. We broke up ages ago. I thought you knew.

 

**Sherlock** : Yes, excellent. excellent. my deepes

 

**Sherlock** : sympathies. But tell m, if you would: what exactly was his APPEAL???

 

**Molly** : God. Are you high? I will murder you, Sherlock Holmes.

 

**Sherlock** : Not high. Only drunk. V. respectible drunk on drink

 

**Sherlock** : Why tom though mikky

 

**Sherlock** : Molly

 

**Sherlock** : Why tom

 

**Molly** : Why are you drunk at 2 in the afternoon?

 

**Sherlock** : Just am. Exoeriment.  So spinny. Why do ppl like this?

 

**Molly** : Just, go to bed, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock** : Pffffffffffffft

 

**Molly** : Call John, have him put you to bed. 

 

**Sherlock** : John won’t go to bed with me.

**Molly** : That’s not actually what I was suggesting.

 

**Sherlock** : John only gieds tp bed with tom

 

**Molly** : WHAT.

 

**Sherlock** : i thot maybeit was the drink but

 

**Sherlock** : im drunk nd I don’t want to sleep with tok

 

**Sherlock** : tom

 

**Sherlock** : ...

 

**Molly** : Sherlock?

 

**Molly** : What do you mean?

 

**Sherlock** : so why wd he

 

**Molly** : SHERLOCK.

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : ...

 

**Molly** : Dammit. I’m coming over.

 

_[Next day...]_

 

**Sherlock** : Oh my god, Molly.

 

**Molly** : How I’ve learned to dread your chime.

 

**Sherlock** : I’m dying.

 

**Molly** : You’re not.

 

**Sherlock** : I am.

 

**Molly** : You have hangover.

 

**Molly** : And serves you right.

 

**Sherlock** : Help me.

 

**Molly** : Water, paracetamol, toast – in that order.

 

**Sherlock** : Can’t. Dying.

 

**Molly** : Fine.

 

_[Later...]_

 

**Sherlock** : Molly. Are you upset with John? I hadn’t meant to

 

**Sherlock** : Don’t be upset with him. Be upset with me. I shouldn’t have mentioned Tom. I understand that it’s… not the done thing.

 

**Molly** : MENTION Tom?

 

**Molly** : You made me watch CCTV footage of him snogging John.

 

**Molly** : EIGHTEEN TIMES

 

**Molly** : NO, THAT’S NOT THE DONE THING!!!!!!

 

**Sherlock** : Sorry, Molly. Truly, I am sorry. I was – not in my right mind.

 

**Molly** : No, that’s an understatement.

 

**Molly** : Sherlock, you need to sort this out with John. I can’t do it for you. Just – get yourself together and deal with it like the rest of us adults.

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : How are you so brave, Molly Hooper?

 

**Molly** : Stop thinking and give him a ring. Christ.

 


	7. Molly and Greg

**Molly** : I’m going to kill him, Greg. I’m going to murder him in cold blood. You’ll have to arrest me, and this is my confession.

 

**Greg** : Oh christ, Molls. What’s he done now? Dare I ask?

 

**Molly** : You don’t want to know.

 

**Greg** : Anything to do with John?

 

**Molly** : …

 

**Molly** : Why do you ask?

 

**Greg** : I’ll tell you later. So what’s up?

 

**Molly** : It’s too much to type.

 

**Greg** : Coffee? Nero in 20?

 

**Molly** : It’s a date.

 

**Greg** : Is it?

 

**Molly** : Yes, I think it is. Is that okay?

 

**Greg** : More than. 

 


	8. John and Sherlock

**Sherlock** : John.

 

**John** : Er, Sherlock?

 

**Sherlock** : Where are you?

 

**John** : I’m home. At my flat.

 

**Sherlock** : I hate your flat.

 

**John** : Everyone hates my flat. There is absolutely nothing to like about my flat. Why do you think I’m always at Baker Street?

 

**Sherlock** : I don’t know why.

 

**John** : …

 

**John** : What’s going on, Sherlock? You’ve been weird for days. Weirder, I mean.

 

**Sherlock** : Yes, thanks for that.

 

**Sherlock** : You’re not “always at Baker Street,” though, are you?

 

**Sherlock** : You’re not here now.

 

**John** : Do you have a case on? I can be over in 45 min.

 

**Sherlock** : No, no. No case. 

 

_[Later]_  
 

**John** : Did you want me to come over, then, or...?

 

**Sherlock** : In such moments, I prefer to text.

 

**John** : Yes, right.

 

**John** : Hang on, “such moments”?

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : I don’t know how to do this.

 

**John** : How to …?

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : John, would you like to meet me at Angelo’s this evening?

 

**Sherlock** : Rather, would you do me the pleasure and the honour?

 

**Sherlock** : Of meeting me at Angelo’s this evening for dinner?

 

**Sherlock** : If you are busy or have other plans, obviously I understand. This is quite short notice.

 

**Sherlock** : But recently new information has come to light and it seems that I may have been mistaken in several assumptions I have made.

 

**Sherlock** : Regarding us.

 

**Sherlock** : And the various avenues that are open to us in our future association.

 

**John** : Sherlock, are

 

**Sherlock** : And I would very much like to rectify any misapprehensions I may have been acting under.

 

**Sherlock** : And further, any to which you yourself may have fallen prey.

 

**Sherlock** : To use a rather strange metaphor, come to think of it. The predator and prey dynamic is not, in fact, the exemplar I wished to evoke in this exchange, however it

 

**John** : Shut up. Are you asking me out on a date?

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : Yes.

 

**John** : Then yes.

 

**Sherlock** : Yes? Just like that?

 

**John** : Just like that.

 

**Sherlock** : …

 

**Sherlock** : Good.

 

**Sherlock** : I am

 

**Sherlock** : pleased.

 

**Sherlock** : I

 

**John** : Take a breath, Sherlock.

 

**John** : Sherlock?!? Have you eaten today? Are you okay?

 

**John** : Shit. I’m phoning. Pick up.

 


	9. John and Tom

**John** : Tom. John Watson here.

 

**John** : Listen, you don’t have to text me back, but I want to apologize for – well, for everything.  I’ve been a right dick and I don’t blame you for being angry with me.

 

**John** : Things have been a bit of a mess for me for a long time, but I think they’re finally starting to make sense again. I’m really –

 

**John** : We’re really happy. And Sherlock tells me that it’s down to you. I’m not sure what you did, but thank you. You’re a good man. Better than we deserve.

 

**John** : Oh, and I also wanted to pass along a number. Friend of mine, I think you’ll like her. Give her a ring.

 

**John** : Sally 020 4539 3001

 

**John** : Maybe we’ll see you around, yeah? I’d like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEADCANON: Sally and Tom become a devoted crime-fighting duo in their own right, and everyone lives happily every after.


End file.
